I Was Hoping

as we were talking outside it was cold
we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know
please don't tell her or anyone
but I need to talk to somebody
you said wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was
five minutes before I died I'd be filled
with such regret
before I took my last breath
and I said you're willing to tell me this now and
you're not going to die anytime soon
and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything
and you said yes, but you've been wearing leather
and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain, yes, you're still a fine woman
and I cringed

I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together

we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said

good-bye sir thank you for your business sir
you're successful and established sir
and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
and your money
and when I walked by they said thank you too dear
I was all pigtails and cords and there was a day when i would've said something like
hey dude i could buy and sell this place so kiss it
I too once thought I was owed something

I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up

I too once thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
and I too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think
I'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you
I think you're insensitive and i don't feel heard
and i said
do you believe we are
fundamentally
judgemental?
fundamentally evil?
and you said yes
I said I don't believe in revenge
in right or wrong good or bad
you said well what about the man that I saw handcuffed
in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head
and I think what he did was wrong
and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged

I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together