The Phonecall
by paramore
Bob: I can't believe this... I'll kill this motherfucker!
(phone rings)
Jake: Hello
Bob: Hello Jake!
Jake: Oh, hi there Bob! How's it going?
Bob: Oh, I'm just fan-fucking-tastic, Jake. How are you?
Jake: Oh, you know... can't complain
Bob: That's just fucking great. Hey, I just spoke to my neighbor that lives across the street from me and he told me that you came by my house today while I was at work.
Jake: Oh, erm... Yeah, yeah I just popped in there for a few minutes
Bob: A few minutes? My neighbor says it was more like 3 hours. So what could you've possibly been doing with my wife in my house for 3 hours?
Jake: No no no, look Bob, I erm... I uh...
Bob: ...cause you see, a guy like me can get suspicious
Jake: Listen... huh, I can explain everything, I erm...
Bob: Oh, I want you to explain
Jake: It's not what you think, erm, I...
Bob: Oh, please, Jake, enlighten me, cause I'm really fucking curious to know what you were doing
Jake: Look, it's nothing... it's stupid, really, I uh... I went over to your house around 1 o'clock...
Bob: Uh-huh...
Jake: ...and I, uh, I-I, I fucked your wife, and then I left
Bob: Really.
Jake: Really, I swear! I went over, I fucked her a while and after we both came, I just went home
Bob: Is my name Forrest Gump, Jake?
Jake: Erm... what?
Bob: Answer the fucking question, is my name Forrest Gump?
Jake: Erm... well, no
Bob: So why do you treat me like I'm a fucking retard? You expect me to believe that you were in my house for 3 hours and all you did was fuck my wife?
Jake: Bob, listen, I uh... uh... I came over, she blew me there... uh... for a while... I-I came... so... so we had to wait a bit. Then we had sex in the kitchen for a while, then we had sex in the living room
Bob: You're fucking lying to me and I really don't like it, Jake! You were in my house for 3 hours
Jake: No, no! It's not... but we... you see we had sex a few times and then she wanted more! She said she was really wet and feeling dirty and she wanted more than one cock inside of her... so um... so... we-we called your brother to see if he wanted to come over and get in on the action... and-and, he-he-he... he said yes, so we waited around for him for about an hour, that's... that's why it took so long
Bob: My brother...
Jake: Um-hmmm!
Bob: You and my brother double-teamed my wife?
Jake: Oh, yeah, yeah! We gave it to her boy! In every hole!
Bob: Oh, see that's funny, cause my brother's in Miami this week, Jake. I find it hard to believe that my brother flew all the way out here from Miami to double-team my wife with you.
Jake: I... well... uuuh...
Bob: And you know what the funny thing is? The faucet in my kitchen has been leaking for 3 months now and suddenly today, of all days, it decided to stop leaking. I'll only give you one last chance to answer the question and if you lie, I guarantee you, you're gonna regret it! What were you doing in my house today?
Jake: I... I'm sorry... your wife called me... and I... I didn't...
Bob: Answer the fucking question!
Jake: Your wife wanted me to fix the faucet, cause she couldn't stand the dripping noise anymore! I-I didn't want to do it but she begged me
Bob: And what did you do?
Jake: I fixed it! I fixed the faucet! I'm so sorry
Bob: You motherfucking cocksucking piece of shit! You fucking fixed my faucet you backstabbing fuck! Now I'm gonna fix your face, you hear me? I'm gonna fix your fucking face! But if you think I'm ever gonna fuck your wife again, forget about it man! Last night was the last time!
Jake: No... No! Please don't do this!
Bob: Never again!